A Letter To My Two-Year Old
I heard a story recently from Morgan Housel that led me to think about what it means to be a parent.
In 1931, Clarence Hughes had a really painful toothache. He went to the dentist, and was given rough anaesthesia to help with the pain. Hughes woke up a few hours later, only to realise that 16 of his teeth were gone and his tonsils no longer where it should be.
Hughes passed away a week later because of complications from the surgery.
His wife took the dentist to court, but her issue wasn’t about the death of her husband. Back in the day, people were well aware they could actually die from surgeries. The problem was, as far as Miss Hughes was concerned, that her husband never agreed to have the operation, and he wouldn’t have agreed if he was asked.
The closest way I could relate to this was some eight years back, when my husband injured his lower back during a rugby game.
Experiencing an unusual pain radiating down his legs, Mathieu visited a sports doctor whom, after a series of tests, suggested he undergo an MRI scan to pinpoint the cause of the discomfort.
When the results were out, it was clear that Mathieu had suffered a slipped disc.
Two options were then presented: go under the knife to remove the herniated tissue, or seek treatment from a chiropractor/physiotherapist for non-invasive care. Caught off guard by this circumstance, Mathieu reached out to his physiotherapist who was also an expert in rehabilitating patients with comparable injuries. It was then that Mathieu heard those reassuring words: “Do not go for the surgery. I say again, do not go for the surgery. If they cut your back open, you’ll never be the same. With proper rehabilitation, you will heal. Your body just needs time.”
And thank goodness he did eventually recover.
Throughout much of medical history, the guiding belief in medicine was that the doctor’s primary responsibility was to treat the patient, while the patient, as ill-informed about the ailment, had to accept whatever was given. Consent between doctor and patient wasn’t all black and white.
If the doctor felt this was the way to go, this was the way to go.
In his book The Silent World Between Doctor and Patient, Dr Jay Katz wrote:
Doctors felt they were obligated to attend to their patients’ physical and emotional needs and to do so on their own authority, without consulting with their patients about the decisions that needed to be made. The idea that patients may also be entitled to sharing the burdens of decisions with their doctors was never part of the ethos of medicine.
Sounds crazy, right?
But according to Housel, back then “that was the belief, and it was grounded on two points: 1) every patient wants to be cured, and 2) there is a correct, universal way of curing them.”
Thankfully, we've evolved.
From what doctors thought was the best and only way to treat a patient, medical professionals are now presenting the probabilities of what was likely to be effective, and then allowing the patient to choose the most comfortable course of action. Patients also have the liberty to seek a second opinion from another professional.
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“Medicine”, writes Katz, “is a complex profession, and the interactions between physicians and patients are also complex.” And because everyone has wildly different views about everything — education, politics, money, and of course, health — it’s important that each individual’s beliefs and perspectives are taken into consideration. Claiming that doctors can simply depend on their good intentions, their intuition in determining the right actions, and their ability to carry out their duties with patience, caution, and wisdom is both risky and unfounded.
There isn’t a single “correct” answer for anything.
Since every patient’s bodies are different, the only “correct” solution is to choose whatever gives you a "peace of mind", or "what works best for you." And for Mathieu, selecting the non-invasive option was one that sat extremely well with him, and was proven to be the right decision made till this day (he is still playing rugby at the age of 32).
And that’s exactly how parents should approach their kids when it comes to raising and preparing them for the future.
A hard pill to swallow
As an educator, one of the recurring discomforts I have with guiding children in the creative arts is I can’t give a one-size-fits-all, universal answer to every student.
Every child is different.
How they express themselves, artistically or creatively, is largely influenced by what they’ve learned in school, the upbringing at home, the friends they hang out with, the culture they’re immersed in, the cartoon shows they watch, the books they read...I could go on and on.
Two children the same age from the same family may come to totally different conclusions about what’s considered beautiful, just as two people who suffered a back injury can pick different treatments. And just as medical textbooks can’t summarise those decisions, parenting textbooks can’t either.
And the more I think about it, the more this back-of-my-head consideration propels me to contemplate deeply on what it means to be a parent.
Truth is, I’ve come to learn that there is no “best” approach when it comes to making decisions about my child’s education, interests or passion, let alone their future. Trying to force feed your kids with the “top” hacks means we are failing to acknowledge the complexities of life, and whatever happens in the future is dependent on whether or not they followed the pre-defined, socially-acceptable recipes of “success”.
This is a hard pill to swallow because:
1) we want the best for our kids
2) we don’t want them to suffer
3) we want them to be safe
And as we lack answers, there's a slight possibility that we might not be fully meeting our children's needs.
If I can be honest, that idea does not sit well with me.
I once wrote about how the childhood of your kids should not only be filled with highly intellectual stimulus, but to be made up of a culture — the framework of beliefs, values, customs, traditions, and behaviours — that would pave the way to their destinies. Your purpose as a parent, as pointed out by Joseph Wells, is to help your kids develop agency, then make yourself obsolete.
There is no ‘right’ approach for that.
What exists are numerous external and internal forces that could potentially shape your kids in a thousand ways, and too many moving parts which you as a parent have no control of. If you're looking for advise on how to maximise the ROI of your children and their future, be wary about your emotions: a tricky, volatile notion of a human being that can radically influence the trajectory of life and logical (or illogical) thinking.
Then I thought about my son, Maxime.
How could I ever show my son the “right” path to take when all I have are questions, doubts and uncertainties? What, then, would be the one thing I can give him so that, if all else fails, he could carry it safely in his pocket when he grows old?
And in that moment it hit me that it’s not more money, more clothes, more toys, more tuition, or more homework. It's what I already have inside me — my experiences — that could be best passed on to my son through a string of words.
Maybe, in a form of a letter.
And what better day to present it to him than on his second birthday, next month!
I’m not going to be that doctor who claims that there is only one, universal way to be treated, but what I can do is write him a list of advise that could, hopefully, bring him further in life.
Dear Maxime,
Happy 2nd birthday!
Thank you for being the light of our lives. You are the reason why both your dad and I have seen tremendous growth in our personal lives over the past 2 years. If you’re reading this letter, it means you’re old enough to comprehend what comes next. If you remember them by heart, which we hope you do, it could change your life forever.
Express gratitude
The ability to focus on what you have and express gratitude for it is a superpower. The surest index of mental, spiritual and emotional well-being is the amount of gratitude in your life. Two things to take note: 1) linger over life’s blessings, and 2) live in the moment, and do not succumb to "destination disease" which suggest that you’ll only be satisfied when ___ happens. Do not postpone joy.
I hope life will be hard for you
I hope you will be, at one point, poor. I hope you will, at one point, lose something you treasure dearly. As much as we want your life to be smooth-sailing, it’s only through the power of scarcity that you will grasp the true value of what you have. The lack of clarity, money or pleasure will always be humanity’s biggest fear, simply because we fear what we do not have or understand. You are not exempted from it. But never allow this to hinder you from pursuing new experiences, take risk or trust people.
Develop a keen awareness for the people around you
I’m not asking you to look out for everyone. Rather, something as simple as saying “hello” to a person you’ve met for the first time, or a “thank you” when someone does something for you. Choose to put a “10” on every person’s head no matter how they treat you. Expect the best from others, and help them think more highly of themselves. This is by no means an easy task. You must consciously choose this every day. Remember, you are the bigger man.
Master the art of changing your mind, regularly
Let your mind be so nimble that your opinions and perspectives can evolve with time. This is an underrated, yet important skill everyone should master. It’s not being fickle-minded. It’s a sign of intelligence and humility. But while you contextualise yourself with the ever-changing world, always be ready to fall back on timeless principles when you are feeling lost or confused. It’s your mission to identify these immutable values that would form the hallmark of your life.
Detach yourself from everyone else’s definition of success
Whatever is important to you may not be important to others. And whatever is important to others may not be important to you. We’re all playing different games, with different rules, different systems and different end goals. Using another person’s yardstick to measure your progress will mean that you’ll forever be two steps behind. It’s a game that you cannot win. Instead, focus on competing with only one person — yourself. Identify what makes you happy, what you consider fulfilling and do everything you can to reach that point.
Know that nothing in this world is perfect
Neither are we your parents. And neither are you. The moment you accept this, the sooner you’ll begin to forgive yourself and move on from your mistakes. Learn from your mistakes, and try not to make the same mistake twice.
People are confusing
But don’t try to figure them out, and don’t blame them for being like that. Everyone is on a journey of figuring things out. Cut each other some slack.
You were not born to consume
You were made for something better: create. It’s an innate characteristic, but if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. Creativity is the currency of the future. Guard it with your life. Fight conformity. Fight human intuition. Fight anything that wants to rob you of it. Always strive to develop original ideas that have value, and then apply them to all aspects of your life.
Keep a notebook and a pen wherever you go
The best way to rationalise your thoughts, ideas and creativity is to fall back on the simplest exercise ever made known to man — writing. Journaling, or documenting your thoughts and feelings through a string of words are the magic beans that would grow into the giant beanstalk. It will encourage you to build mindfulness and present-moment awareness that is much needed in this hyper-fast world.
Get out there
If you have the opportunity, live away from home. Seek a life in unfamiliarity, be with people who don’t look like you and listen to their stories. Not only will these moments make you realise how big the world is, it will show you how small yours has been. Challenge yourself to what you consider excellent by being curious about things which confuses — unfamiliar languages, unfamiliar cultures, unfamiliar people — because when you immerse yourself amongst them, it will bring out your warrior instincts. And warriors fight to the very end.
If you don't agree with anything we've written, that's okay. I don't blame you - we don’t have the answers to everything. Go figure it out on your own. I'm sure you’ll uncover them one day.
