Have You Done Enough of This?

In filmmaking, there’s a plot structure called the “Amnesiac Story.”

The protagonist is awakened from an unconsciousness. He finds himself in a place he does not recognise.

There is no recollection of his present circumstances, and he does not remember who he is.

Yet one thing is clear: he knows he is somebody. He knows he is of remarkable importance. He knows that time is not on his side, and what he must do now is to retrace his steps and make sense of this madness unfolding before him.

Every parent lives in some version of this story, albeit less dramatic.

As much as we have been blessed with children, our world has somehow turned upside down. We don't recognise it anymore. The author Ryan Holiday puts it this way: every parent is caught in a crossfire hurricane. We juggle multiple things, then suddenly another ball is thrown in. Even though there’s not much we can do to ameliorate the chaos, we take the high road by accepting the situation and focus on moving forward.

We manage. We make-do. We sacrifice. That's our motto.

But the thing is that it takes away time for ourselves.

When they're old enough to take care of themselves, I’ll start going to the gym. I’ll change my eating habits when I get the opportunity to work out a nutritional plan. I’ll start repairing my relationship with my spouse when the kids get past their exams. I'll stop overworking! I’ll start pursuing the things I love when I have more time.

Far too many parents share the unfortunate habit of deferring their personal well-being. Worse, far too many parents think there’s nothing inherently wrong with it.

Noticed how skipping meals or poor nutritional options affects your mood on the whole? Do you not realise that the lack of exercise is what is making us tired, not because of it? When are we going to acknowledge that social media and the smartphone is making all of us anxious and depressed, and that by substituting outdoor, open-play with in-house screen time is rewiring our brains and damaging our lives?

It’s no wonder you’re feeling irritable and lethargic—your body and soul and spirit is calling for proper care!

General H.R. McMaster once observed his millennial daughter and her peers before jokingly coming up with a phrase to describe them: start-my-orange-for-me generation. That is, the kids can’t eat an orange until the parent peels it for them first. When we’re aware of this, we see it in many other aspects of life—be it grade disputes, homework, or financial support, the parent is always present to cover the gaps, to prevent them from getting their foot stuck in the mud. While this involvement may seem justified by a mix of emotions—fear and insecurity and, of course, genuine love—it has, as McMaster points out, produced an unhealthy culture of dependency, a form of learned helplessness.

This is a great parenting caution, at the same time it makes complete sense as to why many of us make the exchange at the expense of our well-being. It's true that out of genuine love, every parent wants their kid to succeed. We don't want them to suffer unnecessarily like we did, and we definitely don't want them to be hurt by the world like it hurt us.

But while this may come from a good place, it’s no good for anyone.

Sure, work on your kids, but don't forget to work on areas in your life that needs more attention.

Yes, being a parent is all about discipline. Being strict and firm and unwavering. But to be clear, I’m not implying you must be hard on your children. That’s being a disciplinarian. When I say being a parent is about discipline, only one aspect matters.

Self-discipline.

It was when James Clear (author of Atomic Habits) entered the crossfire hurricane that he realised, in order to keep up with the demands of his career, he had to carve out “two sacred hours” in the morning to do his writing. That's two full hours of writing before the kids wake up. He would be lucky to have more, but he never has less. It spells sacrifice, but it would be inexcusable to say he lacks time.

In the same way, we should—we must—regard our time with the same seriousness we would a crucial meeting or a medical appointment. Protecting your time fiercely should be on par with how you would protect the time you take to fetch your kids to school and to oversee their advancement in academics. Yes, there is a noble commitment to our families, but this is an unspoken allegiance we must uphold for ourselves, to the things that matter more than we think.

It was Seneca who said that one thing fools have in common is that they’re always “getting ready to live.” We’re always getting ready for that diet plan, that exercise regime. We're always getting ready to stop overworking. We’re always getting ready to restore our well-being, knowing well that it’s the root cause of many of the problems we face today. Yet that’s all we do.

We can’t give what we don’t have.

And we certainly can't model what we don't model.

It’s a common instinct—and rightfully so—to find “work-life balance.” We secure the best job on the market that can meet the needs (mostly financial) of our family. But what if this doesn't actually lead to the happiness we envisioned it to do? Do we instinctively believe that making trade-offs at the expense of ourselves is the key to a better future for them, but could it be that this assumption is misguided to the point where it's a complete error?

​Paul Graham has written about how these instincts can actually do more harm than good. “If you take a boring job to give your family a high standard of living, as so many people do, you risk infecting your kids with the idea that work is boring. Maybe it would be better for kids in this one case if parents were not so unselfish. A parent who set an example of loving their work might help their kids more than an expensive house.”

And, a parent who set an example of loving themselves, loving each other, might help their kids more than anything in this world.

A demanding, high-salaried job is not bad for the family. Spending too much time at work in order to provide the best for our family is not a necessary evil. As I've written before, pursuing what excites you most might be the most effective strategy in life, and in the same way, setting an example of taking care of yourself will set the tone for what it means to live a dedicated life. How are our kids going to love life if all they see is their parents slogging away with poor nutritional choices and ungodly work habits while struggling to climb up a flight of stairs?

Taking care of yourself isn’t a choice, it’s a responsibility. It's not being selfish. It’s being selfless. Why is that? Because intentionally taking care of yourself today is an effective way to mitigate the strains that will pop up tomorrow. Potency in our mental and physical capacities—areas which our families rely heavily on—will depend on how wholesome you are!

Set the example of loving yourself.

Dr Becky Kennedy (author of Good Inside) says that our ability to talk with our own kids about important, vulnerable, hard truths is dependent on our ability to tolerate the emotions that come up for us during these moments. The more we get to know ourselves, to learn to tolerate and explore our own distress, and build coping skills for hard feelings, the more present we can be for our children.

So what are we doing to confront our own truths? Are our minds and bodies in the right place for that to realise?

Parenting is hard enough. Building a family is hard enough.

But taking care of ourselves helps us take care of the things that are hard, about seeing the bigger picture: how well we protect our well-being directly translates into how well we can lead our family.

We can do more of it.

The future of our children is dependent on our commitment to well-being, on the basis that we first transform into the best version of ourselves.

You are somebody. You are of remarkable importance.

The things you're waiting on will never trigger the action you need to take. Time is not on your side.

Stop putting it off.

Written by Mathieu Beth Tan